I know this blog is about a Tres Beautiful Life, but how can life be beautiful when it is so overwhelmingly sad.

I have never lost someone so close to me before, its surreal and I am finding it hard to accept it.

How do you stop crying? How do you want to get up in the morning? Let alone how do you fall asleep at night. I have not slept in nights now, to sad to numb to sleep. Maybe even fearing that if I do sleep, I may miss a sign from her? I don't know, does that sound silly? I honestly feel like I am loosing my mind and am looking for significance in everything at the moment.

This loss is nothing I have ever experienced and I don't know what to do? All I want to do is cry or pretend it hasn't happened and show the world I am fine! I am not one that likes attention, in fact I hate it. I don't know how to show my true deep feelings now and be vulnerable with my emotions. How do I grieve while trying to stay strong and rational for my kids? Don't I need to show them I am in control and unemotional? I have no patience at the moment. I don't want to hear their bitching and whining. But I'll take any extra snuggles coming my way...agh! Am I screwing up my kids?

This sucks!

I am going to miss my Grandma's funeral and have decided (well it was too late to get a ticket) to stay here and remember her in my own way. I want to go to the beach and fly the kite she gave Thomas last week for his birthday. Find a special place out here that I can go to when ever I want to be near her.

My Grandma is the most amazing person who ever came into mylife. There is so much about my Grandma that inspires me, things she does that I think about daily.
I don't need to be there to remember how special and amazing she is...I love her so much, I told her every chance I had and she knows that! And for that I am grateful!