Sometimes you have to make things happen or they never will. - Master Chung

Totally the kick in the butt I needed today as I am highly motivated to get my business up and going! I can do it!
I'm the one that will and has to make it happen!

Today is beautiful.....

• Picking plums with the boys in the backyard and making a tart with them, not knowing how it will taste as it was our own recipe.
• Watching Thomas and Harry run around the yard wrestling each other, laughing!
• Doing yard work in my rain boots and my extra used, extra comfy worn in gardening gloves.
• Watering my new garden and seeing how the plants are growing...yay, I haven't killed them yet! knock on wood =)
• Surprising the boys with the garden hose and soaking them both.
• Then the boys surprising me and soaking me back...lol!
• The look and feel of freshly cut grass
• Sunshine and being able to enjoy it in my own beautiful backyard!
  

Flying kites at the beach, being with my babies, snuggling with my man and remembering my Grandma is how I want to spend today.

I didn't make it back home for Grandma's funeral today, so I will be remembering her today in my own special way.

Its sad not to be with the family, oh how I am missing them today. I can not stop thinking about the love, support and togetherness that they will all be feeling today. While I am physically not there, my mind and spirit will be there 100%.

Hayden will be speaking on behalf of the Marshall's, at first I was sad that it would not be me talking. But I couldn't get there, so we have worked out the next best thing. Hayden will speak and I will write it, with anything they want to add. My last post here is what I wrote for the funeral.

I have not worked out what I will be doing myself yet, but know I want to be at the beach with my family flying Grandmas kite.

It may be cold, gray and overcast outside, but today is a beautiful day to celebrate a beautiful life!

When I think about my beautiful Grandma, there are so many wonderful memories that come to mind.

From when we were little kids running around the yard at ridge rd, playing with glass birds on her coffee table, swinging on the clothes line or learning to play cards around the table. Being fitted for something special she was making for us to wear to a school formal or helping us get braces for our teeth.

Then there were Christmas days with all the family, Grandma’s jam filled sponge cake for your birthday, the Tupperware container that was always stocked with a fresh batch of rock cakes or mince tarts just waiting for grandchildren to devour.

Not to mention the good old “Grandma test” it was so important to all of us that Grandma liked our partners that we gave it a name. First time she would meet them, they had to pass the test. She was always there, excited to be part of our lives!

These are just a few of the many beautiful memories of Grandma, who was always there for her grandchildren.

I don’t remember an event, a birthday or a school performance that grandma was not there for. Whether it was a big event or not, it always felt special just knowing that Grandma was there, she always took an active interest in all areas of our lives.

It’s funny, when I think about Grandma, she was no ordinary Grandma. She was not the meek little old Grandma sitting in the corner of the room, just watching life go by. Instead she was an amazing woman of strength and tenacity, who had a love for life, and a true love for all those around her.

Grandma was always inspiring her Grandchildren to be active and to always live life to its fullest.

Even as an adult, she is the one I want to tell all my exciting news too.

When I found out I was pregnant, I could not wait to tell Grandma the exciting news, she was the first one I wanted to tell.

Grandma was an amazing Great Grandma or as the boys called her “Gwanny” Although they live far away and did not get to see her often, there was always a huge hug and lots of love whenever they did meet. While Thomas is still too young, I am grateful that Harry has sweet memories of his Gwanny and will always talk about Gwanny who made cookies with him.

When I travelled to Europe 10yrs ago, I received a letter from my family. The last line stated “Have a great time and make the most of every opportunity -Grandma” This has become my life’s mantra. I am inspired by this daily and will forever know that my Grandma has helped me be the person I am today.

Thank you Grandma, for loving life and your Grandchildren as much as you do. You will always be with me, in my heart and in my life.

I know this blog is about a Tres Beautiful Life, but how can life be beautiful when it is so overwhelmingly sad.

I have never lost someone so close to me before, its surreal and I am finding it hard to accept it.

How do you stop crying? How do you want to get up in the morning? Let alone how do you fall asleep at night. I have not slept in nights now, to sad to numb to sleep. Maybe even fearing that if I do sleep, I may miss a sign from her? I don't know, does that sound silly? I honestly feel like I am loosing my mind and am looking for significance in everything at the moment.

This loss is nothing I have ever experienced and I don't know what to do? All I want to do is cry or pretend it hasn't happened and show the world I am fine! I am not one that likes attention, in fact I hate it. I don't know how to show my true deep feelings now and be vulnerable with my emotions. How do I grieve while trying to stay strong and rational for my kids? Don't I need to show them I am in control and unemotional? I have no patience at the moment. I don't want to hear their bitching and whining. But I'll take any extra snuggles coming my way...agh! Am I screwing up my kids?

This sucks!

I am going to miss my Grandma's funeral and have decided (well it was too late to get a ticket) to stay here and remember her in my own way. I want to go to the beach and fly the kite she gave Thomas last week for his birthday. Find a special place out here that I can go to when ever I want to be near her.

My Grandma is the most amazing person who ever came into mylife. There is so much about my Grandma that inspires me, things she does that I think about daily.
I don't need to be there to remember how special and amazing she is...I love her so much, I told her every chance I had and she knows that! And for that I am grateful!

I have sat here starring and crying at my laptop for what feels like hours, not sure how to type or what to say, its hard enough to feel at the moment.
How do you think and function with such shocking news? When the world around you changes and you can not control it or fix it.
Can't I just stay numb and in a state of shock? I don't want to accept or imagine life without my Grandma in it.

The last few nights I have not been sleeping, thinking, praying, talking to my Grandma. Thinking of my Grandpa, my beautiful grandparents. Being so far away from my Grandma and my family has been so hard, constantly worrying about what is going on, wanting to know if anything has changed? is she awake to talk too? is she better? Not knowing is scary. I asked my Grandma last night repeatedly to please give me a sign if she was to pass. I needed to feel her presence one more time.

Tonight when I heard the news I was at a friends house, honestly I don't even remember the drive home or how I got home. Its as if I was absent for a while. That is until I got home....

I walked up the drive to hear the kids playing out the back with Dave. Walking in the front door I heard a sound coming from in the dinning room. That's odd I thought, everyone is out back. As I glanced over to the dinning table to see what was making the sound, I was shocked to see a little black bird just sitting there on the back of my dinning room chair, as if it was waiting for me to come home.
We just watched each other for a moment and then she tried to fly out the window. The boys came in all excited to see a bird in the house, they were running around and laughing. It was as if their Gwanny was having one last play with her great grandbabies.

Dave caught her with a towel as she flapped her way to the front door and was free, gone just like that.....

If anyone knows my Grandma, she loved collecting little bird figures. It was quite often something we would give her for a gift, the last little bird I gave her was a small black paper mache bird.

I am so glad my Grandma visited with me tonight!

Hold on and don't let go, bury your nose in their hair and smell the life that lives!
You can never give to many cuddles or say I love you enough!

Sadness with a strange sense of peace...

And so shocking how a single phone call can change your life.
The absolute disbelief, the surreal and emotional feeling.
Never before has the distance felt so endless.
Could it really be? Has the time come?
The moment I have been dreading and denying.

Watching others around you, who you love leave.
The elation and heartaches that you have endured.
There has to be some peace to come.
Does it bring peace knowing you will see them soon?
Whether its now, weeks, months or longer.

Waiting hoping breathing you stay for just a second longer.
One more sweet moment.
You are leaving pieces of you in me.
A sad waiting game.
The emotions of you leaving are so overwhelming.

To go on without the love of your life for over 30yrs.
To be separated from the one you love.
But can there be joy for you, the one that is now leaving?
The peace to come will be the reunion with the one who has been waiting for you.
I love you Grandma and I know when ever the time comes Grandpa is waiting to give you kisses again.

My Grandma had a Tres Beautiful Life.